Struggling Within

I am, if this word suits what I feel, depressed.

I cannot tell it freely. This is not the Rayne everyone knows.

Cause the Rayne they know is someone random, friendly, active, noisy and funny....a cheerful being.

But when I morph into Ahya, I am someone who had a very awful past. Someone who once wanted to end her life. I dont want to sound melodramatic but it is true. My life before when we are still under the custody of my father was, honestly, not well. He was not responsible and Im not saying that just because he and Mom are (unofficially) divorced now, but because my eyes were opened about what he had been doing for our family - wait, let me correct that...he did nothing for our family. Well, when their marriage was still fresh, he was fine. But then he did something awful and it sticked to our family for years.

It made my parents' relationship hinder until there were problems. To make the story short, Mom finally had enough and we left Dad. Since then, I was discouraged upon loving someone from the opposite sex.

Now, let's proceed to what the title means.

I am a CHRISTIAN and my main goal is to please and worship God with all my best. I am trying to be like Him and follow God's rules. By reading Joshua Harris' books called I Kissed Dating Good bye and Boy Meets Girl, I got some revelations from God which changed my perspective. Before, I was eager to have boyfriends. But He made me realize that I shouldn' be putting my mind into it yet. That all I need to do was follow Him and he will give me the guy supposed to be my husband at the right time and place.

Also, the book said that we should be having boyfriends with the ages that we are not yet ready to marriage. According to a research I made, "boyfriend/girlfriend" was originally another term for a fiance. So it means, when you have a girl/boyfriend, you'll have to ask her (specially guys) to marry her.

Why?

Imma kick your ass for asking why.

Cause if you courted that girl, made her your girlfriend but doesnt want to marry her, then what was her purpose to you? Just for fun and to have her for spending your time?

IT IS EFFING AND UBERLY UNFAIR!

God created us to get married and he rejoices with Holy Matrimony. There's no age limit on when to think about this as everyone needs to pray for it.

IM EFFING 13??! WHY WOULD I BE PRAYING FOR A HUSBAND ALREADY?

This is not being exaggerated. This is the truth.

If you want for your future to be well, pray for it. WHY? Cause if you had already surrendered it to God, He'll make sure you'll get it. Like reviewing for an exam and getting high grades cause you prepared for it.

If you ask God to give you a husband who is kind, caring, pleasing to His eyes, if you are faithful, you'll recieve it.

That's how it is.

But then, there's still another way to please God.

That is to keep protecting your heart? How? By not having a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you will focus yourself on your priorities (make God number 1). That each of us should enjoy living as singles. Think of it, though you have a boyfriend, are you sure he's really the ONE!?

And if it's not, there's only one possible outcome from it:

Hurting yourselves.

Cause you are taking what is not yours. S/He is not suppose to be yours, and you'll just end up separated and memories will just hurt your heart. We should wait in PATIENCE and live life only for the Creator.

Rushing things isn' always ze answer.

It never was.

We need to learn to fight "impatience" cause God was patient to us, waiting for us to turn to him and be saved.

We should wait for the right time.

The Song of Solomons from the HOLY BIBLE says that we should not wake love at the wrong time. Simply wait and let God intervene. HE made EVERYTHING, He can simply give the right one to you if you are faithful.

This may be too long now but this is my main problem.

The thought that bothers me and pulls Rayne away to make Ahya resurface.

I am disappointing God...

I was determined.

I was willing.

I was confident.

Still, I was a failure.

I promised I will stop myself, promised to serve him until "he" arrives.

Promised not to wake LOVE at the wrong time.

I was willing to endure, did the first step.

Still, I FAILED.

I was over-thrown by my emotions and heart.

I gave in.

And now the thing I had started came to waste as I had failed to soar higher and looked down. But I looked down, was distracted and was starting to fall down again and crash into misery.

I wanna try again, though afraid to have the same aftermath like the first. :(